Thursday, January 19, 2012

I believe in the power of redemption



 An intervention may be in order.

I've gotten sucked into the cesspool of election year tomfoolery and non-stop coverage of what Tengrain calls the Goat Rodeo.

Evidence that it's a become a real problem:

1. My politics/media twitter feed is enormous and growing. It's a fine blend of snark, bawdy humor and info links that could keep me reading all the ding dong day.

2. While I wouldn't have recognized a quarter of the celebrities on the red carpet at the recent Golden Globe Awards, when I click twitpic links posted by political reporters, I recognize about half the people in the photos. I repeat political reporters.

3. I've been having erotic dreams about a three-way with Dylan Ratigan and Melissa Harris Perry.

4. I followed Jonathan Capehart aka Mr. Butters' vacation to the Virgin Islands via Facebook.
4.1 I know that Jonathan Capehart is also Mr. Butters and when he gets his haircut. And when he goes to McDonald's or not after his haircuts.

5. I can tell the following people apart:
Ari Melber / Ezra Klein / Sam Stein
Chuck Todd / That guy from the bookstore
Thomas A. Roberts / Peter Alexander
Luke Russert / Jeff Spicoli
Ron Allen / Ron Christie / Ron Mott
Gov. Rick Perry / Fmr. President George W. Bush
Mike Taibbi / Matt Taibbi
Chris Mathews / Lawrence O'Donnell
Fmr. Gov. Mitt Romney / Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney
David Gregory / A jar of paste
Chris Hayes / Rachel Maddow

6. Confession: In my weaker moments, I yearn to run my fingers through Howard Fineman's gray hair while talking music with Jon Heilman and drinking shots with Willie Geist.

7. I know more about NY Times columnist Charles Blow's daughter's fencing career than I know about what's going on with my parents. Of course, my parents could fix that if they got a computer and had Twitter accounts. Slackers.

8. While MathMan likes to impress me by being able to identify a piece of classical music within a few notes, i.e. Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 4, 5th movement, I like to turn him on with my ability to identify some pundit or other by their voice. It's awesome foreplay. "Oh, baby. You be Monica and I'll be Bill. Where's your blue dress?" It's so much fun resurrecting an old role-playing theme.

9. My little "problem" is affecting the kids. Sophie and I chat about the afternoon MSNBC personalities like they're family. "Did you see that exchange between Martin Bashir and that asshole from the South Carolina Republican Party?" I'll say to which Sophie will respond, "I almost threw my Cheez-its at the TV I was so disgusted so I changed the channel to iCarly. I know how angry you get when I make a mess in the living room."

We also worry about Mika Brzezenski's unresolved father issues because we can't help ourselves. We like her.

9.1 The cats and I are involved in a co-dependent relationship which now stretches beyond food. They insist I leave the TV on so they can watch Andrea Mitchell and speculate what it must be like to sleep with Alan Greenspan. They really have a mean streak, those cats.

10. And most disturbing of all, even though I've written about the many reasons for which I could never run for office, it's becoming increasingly clear with all the Republican hypocrisy shenanigans coming to light, I could indeed run for office as long as I'm willing to run as a Republican with a one hand on the Bible and a compelling redemption narrative.

I'm thinking there's really no downside here. I win and that's cool. I can be a public servant and support the policies I think will make this nation better for all of us. I lose and I can make some money on speaking fees. I mean $365,000 isn't a lot, but I could manage on that. Hell, one speaking gig at $40,000 would be twice as much as I made in 2011.

It's time for the Pussies for Peace and Income Equality (PfPIE) to get busy raising money for that Superpac. I just need to remind them not to put the money into investments in the Cayman Islands.

26 comments:

  1. Awesome, totally awesome, way to go, Hamilton.

    Re: number 8 *burp* number 8 *burp* Mathman wins this shtick 'cause talking hairpiece ID bingo is the worst foreplay ever. Unless it works, which then it's not, but Jake says ewww.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Gustav. And you're right, of course, about MathMan winning. I've had to learn maybe thirty - fifty voices. He's had to learn entire bodies of work by many long-haired composers.

      Delete
  2. But Melissa Harris Perry is a BABE, though.
    G

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    Replies
    1. Isn't she? And she's so smart. I'd be happy to sit and listen to her talk (while Mr. Ratigan gives me a nice shoulder massage).

      Delete
  3. Rachel Maddow peeling grapes to feed to Elana Kagan, who massages my feet while whispering secrets about what Clarence Thomas wears under his robe. That's what keeps me awake at night . . .

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    1. Ooooh. Well played, sir. I must admit Rachel has played a part in some of my daydreams, as well. Clarence Thomas? Not so much.

      Delete
  4. My lawyer will be contacting you with a law suit shortly brought on by your stating "...Andrea Mitchell and speculate what it must be like to sleep with Alan Greenspan..."

    I may never be able to get it up again.

    This post rocked!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. And I'm terribly sorry. I blame the cats.

      Delete
  5. Go, Lisa, go, you deserve that nomination. Just tell them Jesus told you to run. I'd vote for you straight away, only problem is, not being a US citizen, I don't have a vote ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if Newt Gingrich can talk about upending the Supreme Court, surely I can declare that I'll allow non-citizens to vote as long as they have a photo ID and contribute to my campaign.

      Thanks!

      Delete
  6. This is superb. I do try to avoid thinking about what it must be like to sleep with Alan Greenspan, although I will confess to a girl crush on Rachel Maddow -- and now you. Smart chicks turn me on. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Jayne. Smart chicks turn me on, too. ;)

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  7. Oh Lisa, loved this. Especially your list of being able to tell the difference between... Very good. Especially the two Romneys.

    I definitely think you need to start a Super PAC. If Stephen Colbert can do it why not you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you liked that list.

      Now if I had a platform like Colberts!

      Delete
  8. Melissa Harris Perry will do that to a girl ... :-)

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  9. Hands off my boyfriend Ezra. Glad you didn't mention my other boyfriend David Corn.

    We could be twins. The only difference in our lives is that you have a family and more pussies. Do you think Sophie will become a journalist or a politician with this great education she's getting? Or has Mathman's civilizing influence prevailed?

    I too worry about Mika. I wish just once she'd slap Joe when he interrupts her. Someone needs to off that asshole. Without him, his show would be quite watchable. Thank god I can tape it so I can just zip past the parts when his mouth is moving.

    Once my friend Tracy reads this she'll be over here every day bothering me for computer time to read you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are so alike, aren't we? I have to tell you, I could have gone on and on with my name dropping. Dear lord, David Corn. Such a hottie. What about David Sirota, David Goodriend? And there's sweet Jonathan Alter and E.J. Dionne. What about Perry Bacon? So many pundits, so little time....

      I didn't get around to poking fun at Mark Halperin either. And worst of all, I forgot to mention how the 6pm slot with Reverend Sharpton is practically sacrosanct in our house. "Nobody talk!"

      Delete
  10. I'd say your original 'many reasons' you couldn't run for office make you look positively electable in 2012 - for either party. I'll send some genuine Canadian catnip to the Pussies' and promise a cross border write-in vote. Come to think of it maybe every country the US has invaded should have voting rights there too. That would teach them.

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    Replies
    1. You are brilliant! Imagine how that might spur citizens of the U.S. to get off their butts and vote.

      Delete
  11. re: no.8 - I used to be able to identify any television program from a few notes of the theme tune. Take that ;-)

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    1. I bow to your TV skills! Shall we do a duet? I'm sure we know some of the same theme songs.

      Delete
  12. They insist I leave the TV on so they can watch Andrea Mitchell and speculate what it must be like to sleep with Alan Greenspan. They really have a mean streak, those cats.
    Disturbing and funny at the same time!!

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    Replies
    1. You should hear the speculation. It's stomach turning.

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  13. Gov. Rick Perry / Fmr. President George W. Bush

    HOW TO "EXECUTE" TELLING THE DIFFERENCE?

    I WOULD PICK THE SNARKIEST ONES.... WOULDN'T I?

    FIGURES YOU WOULD DRINK UP THE ELITE MEDIA-- THOSE DESPICABLE ONES WHO HAVE MADE NEWT GINGRICH A VICTIM.

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    Replies
    1. Ha! Good one, Fran. I was thinking accent and goofiness and hadn't even thought of the execution issue.

      I know. I AM the problem! Obama/Alinsky 2012!!!

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